I lost my father on September 1st. Having him for 12,949 days was just not
enough, frankly a million days wouldn’t have but I don’t feel cheated in the
least. Over thirty-five years there
is nothing a father and son could have done that I missed out on. His name was my first word, we toasted beers,
we watched games on TV and listened to games on the radio before everything was
televised. He coached my little league
team and watch as I coached my oldest son in tee ball. We made trips to Yankee Stadium, we smoked cigars when he retired. He was front row at my weeding and my birth
as well as the birth of my three boys. I grew up in his home and I am now raising my
sons in the same home. He’s been my
co-worker and my neighbor. Above all,
there was barely a day I didn't have (and appreciate) the pleasure of either
seeing or at least speaking to the man who I still want to grow up to be just
like. It certainly isn’t the number of
years you’re given with the most important people in your life but what you do
with those years and that you realize who those important people are before
they've left you. Keeping that in mind,
I believe this is why I have been smiling much more than crying over these past
few days. 35+ years and not a sentence
uttered in regret, not a sentiment left unsaid and not an experience
unexperienced.
As life went on, I
only looked up to and admired the man more.
Certainly as a boy you look at your father like a superhero, not seeing
a single flaw in the man. As I grew up
and had a family of my own I realized this perception of flawlessness was more
real than ever. There are certainly
times as a father I have doubts in my abilities to provide, understand, parent,
discipline, etc… I suppose that’s only
natural. Especially during a period of
time I spent as a stay home parent, I felt a major divide between the standard
of fathering I wanted to provide my children and what I was actually
delivering. Then there was a day I took
my boys to my front porch where my father was sitting just next door on his
porch and I flashed back to my youth when I would sit on that very porch with
my dad….my grandfather on the porch my father now occupied and everything fell
in place for me. I can’t tell you what I
received for Christmas when I was 6 or 10 or 16 but I can name the menu of food
served at my grandparent’s home every Christmas Eve. I can’t tell you the brand name of the spikes
or gloves I wore in little league but I remember my dad taking me out to
practice pop ups, just the two of us. So
many of these examples where what he gave me didn’t matter in the least, what I
hold on to is the warmth, patients and understanding with which he gave to
me. Some of the best memories of my life
took place in front of our family homes with my brothers, baby sister who I love best of all, my mom and dad, my
grandparents and extended family. None
of it cost a dime; we weren't doing anything terribly exciting, just enjoying
each other’s company but I cherish and remember it so vividly. I realize I have been blessed with an amazing
opportunity to give my sons these exact same gifts. The gifts my father game to me that didn’t
cost a thing because they are too valuable to have a price attached. My only chance to pay him back is to do for
my sons as he did for us and as a father, all I can ask in return from them is
the same.
I am going to miss
my dad every day for as long as I live, I loved him very much. Yet I will do so with a smile and full heart
knowing he gave me everything I will ever need to be a good man, husband and father. I will never hold a candle to the bar he set
but if I give it my best effort I know he’ll look on me with the same pride and
love he showed me in life. What more
could a person want?
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