This will be my 9th Father's Day and this past year has given me some real perspective on what the full panorama of fatherhood is all about. This was the year that made me reshape my role as a parent and take a look at what it really is to be a successful father. Fifteen months ago I was put in the position (and chose to remain) of the full time stay at home dad.
There seem to be stages of acceptance men go through when we take on this massive change of lifestyle. March of '13 I found myself "restructured" out of a high stress position and frankly my initial emotions were that of relief. I saw it as freedom from a position I had grown to resent and an opportunity to connect more with my wife and three small boys. We played the Mr. Mom scenario from the movie and my wife struck first, landing a fantastic position that could take care of our needs just as well as my previous job. Never did that stereotypical "male pride" kick in, in fact I was very happy for her. She is educated and capable in her field and she sacrificed career for over seven years that included two pregnancies and three births. I was still decompressing and gladly took on the role of the full time parent.
At some point into this process, it seems inevitable that guys begin to question their place in the family, their ability to live up to what a father is supposed to be, to have to rely on someone other than yourself to provide. There is a lot of identity to let go of and I notice a lot of men develop a pretty big chip on their shoulder about it.....all the self doubt begins to project outward. I've read all of those "things to never say to a stay home dad" lists and I was right there with them. Hypersensitive to any observation, honest misconception or even paranoid feelings invented in our own minds. Granted, we are a misunderstood minority but it seems many of us hit a stage where we feel wrongfully persecuted and judged and those feeling can become very counter productive and damaging. For me, those feelings hit home in the late Autumn months and what could be worse for a dad than the impending Christmas season without the financial ability to come through huge for his children? If you ever want to feel inept as a provider and traditional father, imagine a Christmas with no income. A cold, snowy Northeast Winter, twin two year olds cooped up in the house, nobody around to talk to, sunsets before 5pm, months of looking at gray and dark from your window. Seasonal depression is real and those are the eggs, milk and sugar of the recipe. From mid-December, I began dealing with frequent anxiety attacks and depression that I was diagnosed as having toward the end of the Winter. I was pulling my weight with the boys and keeping up the house but I had 110% lost myself.
Don't fret, it gets happier here : ) After seeing my doctor & being prescribed an antidepressant that had a horrible effect on me, I decided to go after the issue on my own and reach out to some people in my inner circle. I deleted all social media accounts and shrunk my circle to a hands on group that I've known most of my life. It was just one random talk with a friend, that started innocent enough that gave me my moment of clarity. He wasn't a stay home dad but he is a father, he gets the complexities of balancing family, marriage and career and how to balance that against maintaining an identity of who you are as an individual. He's a few years older than I and recalled an eerily similar set of health issues he had at a similar stage of his own life. I knew I wasn't the only one to go through this but it was what I needed to hear, that someone I knew and trusted has a similar set of circumstance and found his way through to the other side. I've since discovered guided meditation, I'm taking those breaks my wife always offered me, I'm taking a chamomile supplement and my anxiety has very much come under control. I've also come to embrace my new role in my household and notice the tangible effects I have.
Fellas, your value to your family is not your paycheck!!! The sooner this is understood the sooner you can learn to thrive in your role....and even if you are a breadwinner, don't think your value ends at your paycheck. I looked back and saw the time I spent in the Summer with my oldest son, preparing him for second grade. We spent an hour every weekday, introducing him to what he'd see in his upcoming year. During his school year, I worked with him every night and when the year came to a close, he was a high honors student with high A's in every graded class and had "outstanding" in all behavioral based areas of his report card. I look at my twin sons and see just how far they have developed over this past year. Two totally different individuals that develop at their own pace and have really come into their own.....and I was there for all of it. All of these things have tangible value and didn't cost a penny.....it was simply the time that my new role in the family allowed to spend with them. My sons are 8, 3 & 3, they could care less how my 401-k is looking or what kind of interest rate I have on my auto loan, in a few years' time they will never remember what they got for Christmas in a given year. What they know and what they'll REMEMBER is the time their father invests in them. Also, If you live in the traditional "husband wife" set up of the breadwinner and homemaker and you have the chance to reverse roles, DO IT. It's been an absolute blessing to our marriage. Spending seven years in a set role, it's only natural take your partners' role for granted and not appreciate their stress and demands. Walking a year in the other's role has made us more of a team with a higher level of compassion for each other than at any other point in our lives. This isn't the "week of vacation" appreciation of seeing what it's like around the house all day.....that has an endpoint and plans are made over that time. This has to be a long term deal, a real role swap. It's tough at first but the long term benefit is amazing.
As I started, this is my ninth Father's Day as a father. I have three sons and I thought I was getting to be an old pro at this dad stuff until my script was flipped and I discovered just how much better it can get. I think I'll appreciate this Father's Day a bit more after these last 15 months. The full scope of being a dad is great when you don't limit yourself to "mom roles" and "dad roles" just be a parent and enjoy the ride. Try not to take offense to everyone and everything they say if you're a stay homer...nobody is trying to put you down and even of they are, they ought to be jealous of the rare gift you have in your life. Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there!
....a bit of a ps, my days of being 100% stay home may be coming to an end. I'm in the early stages of accepting a part time position doing job placement and career skills with individuals with physical and mental disabilities. Not being in a position where I "have to" go out and find work has allowed me to spot something I want to do and pursue it. We'll see how it plays out but my #1 job is always "dad".
